This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

i don't mean anything to anyone anymore

my parents are so busy with their new partners i feel like i'm just slowly dissapearing

i wish i missed someone, but i really don't

just feel sad all the time

i think i'm falling for you, what an inconvenience

all i need right now is for someone to hold me in their arms and say everything is going to be ok, because i'm incredibly close to giving up entirely

i'm stuck in a brutal cycle

i don't even have the strength to cut anymore

it's like someone's decided to take a massive shit on my life

i see smoking as an interest rather then an addiction

as much as i enjoyed being in love, i do not wish it to happen again for sometime.

i loved you, emphasis on the loved, it's in the past, we had some lovely memories, but that's what they are, old photographs stored in the dark crevices of our minds in dusty boxes, as we believe bringing up these experiences might bring back unresolved feelings. but these good times should be remembered, it is nice to remember the weight of someone's breath against your naked body, the time spent starring into someone's eyes feeling like nothing could break the tie between you, the soft, gentle beat of someone's pulse against your ear as their warmth radiates you. these shouldn't be ignored, they were good times. now that our hearts have healed our memories should be remembered with joy. a years worth of life does not need a re-enactment, it should simply be cherished rather than abolished.

love is overrated

my world feels so fragile, and i'm waiting for one knock that will collapse everything

i don't want to be the way i am

i want to be able to lie on someone's chest whilst their arms wrap around me as i tell them everything and after for them to kiss me and tell me everything will be ok

after everything i've already been through you still hurt me so much,  you ruined me and my sense of trust and for that, i'm never going to forgive you

i'm never going to allow myself to be hurt like before again

once again there is a 10 foot tall iron wall around my emotions

deep down i know i want another relationship, it's just that i really really really don't want to get hurt again

cannot let myself feel like this, time to do what i do best and suppress my feelings 

21 days

my 'types':

1) stoner
2) covered in tattoos and/or peircings
3) rugby player

humanity is nothing but beautiful destruction

i cry, i scream, i laugh, i smile, i frown, i bleed, and i never did before

i don't like the person i am anymore

i'm happy

i don't miss you, not at all. i just miss us.

these have been the longest two years of my life

when i'm doing drugs, drinking or smoking is the only time i act or feel like a teenager, so get off my case

although all those rugby players did help

moving on doesn't require a new person to be added. grown ups can do it all by themselves.

i honestly don't have time to see anyone right now, 90% of my time is spent trying to fix my mess of a family

running out of tobacco and not being able to get any more soon enough is the single worst feeling in the universe

so ill, someone seriously should come round and dig me my grave

i have never felt so abandoned

what a waste of my life

suddenly this girl pops up and you can't even talk to me?

i wouldn't mind if i never woke up tomorrow, honestly

i still remember where i was sat, what time it was, what i'd been thinking, what i did afterwards, their faces as they told me, the feeling of suffocation and how i'd wished i was dead

crying has just become routine

would you even feel something watching me bleed?

you make me look like i'm the bad person, but if everyone knew you like i did; you'd be hated

i cannot wait to die

memories hurt more than reality

we're friends with benefits without the friends part.

you're only emotion is horny

people read this as entertainment, but this is not something i can walk away from when it gets serious, this is my life

"You can't say you truly want something unless you're prepared to put all you've got left into getting it." yeah, i can still say i want you.

I should've known from the start that you are just a silly teenage boy, who may actually think you're mature but really you're just a kid, and instead of being the same as everyone else and think with your head, you prefer to think with what sits in your pants.

the most spontaneous person i know is chloe, and she's not spontaneous, just unorganised

i'm tired of everything being planned, i want someone spontaneous 

unconditional love is all I want

Woke up this morning
And I heard the news
I know the pain of a heartbreak
I don't have answers 
And neither do you
I know the pain of a heartbreak

This isn't easy
This isn't clear
And you don't need Jesus
Til you're here
Then confusion and the doubts you had
Up and walk away
They walk away
When a heart breaks

I heard the doctor
But what did he say
I knew I was fine about this time yesterday
I don't need answers
I just need some peace
I just need someone who could help me get some sleep
Who could help me get some sleep

This isn't easy
This isn't clear
And you don't need Jesus
Til you're here
Then confusion and the doubts you had
Up and walk away
They walk away
When a heart breaks

This isn't easy
This isn't clear
And you don't need Jesus
Til you're here
Then confusion and the doubts you had
Up and walk away
They walk away
When a heart breaks

after reading my old diary I realised I only started cutting after my grandad died

I will always remember the day my parents told me they were getting divorced

I spend all my time waiting for you to do something incredible and romantic

why can't i just move on?

no one cares about me

so fucking alone

"There's always another route" yeah, hanging myself, stabbing myself, shooting myself, overdosing, suffocating myself or drowning myself

tash just caught me crying

i just want to sit next to someone in comfortable silence

seeing you, touching you, thinking about you, talking to you, texting you, kissing you, fucking you is just my own version of self harm

the worst part is the brewing feeling of hopelessness right before the tears fall and the blood runs

and as usual; abandoned, cheated, sick, cut and alone, i retreat back to my bed, waiting for it to start all over again

how can you walk around content with your life? you don't deserve it.

live fast, die young

i'm a time bomb of self destruction

i'd only spend my final days with you out of fear of being alone when i die

I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you always cry, I hate it when you stare. I hate your always broken shower and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick, it even makes me rhyme. I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie.I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you're not around. And the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

"so what do you do in your spare time?" cut myself in an effort to make things feel bearable and not kill myself

i've began thinking about my grandad less and less, and when i remember i feel repulsively guilty, i don't want to forget him

i really really really really really really really really really really really really miss my grandad

you just sit there, letting me get worse and worse

you left me alone, ill and crying. now do i really know i mean nothing to you. never have, never will.

i just want to escape this world

self harm is such a release

i hate you knowing how much i miss us

crying has just become a daily routine

denying yourself of who you are is denying yourself the biggest certainty you'll even know

everytime i don't shout at you and we get on fine, you just ruin it by still flirting with all these girls. how can you do that then bullshit that you love me? i just fucking hate you. grow up, or do you need your mum to do that for you too?

you're just the gay best friend that girls keep around because your perverse they enjoy the attention, but they would never give you a real chance.

people don't understand, the pain is comforting, the stinging makes reality hurt less, it's a distraction, it helps move some of the pain on the inside; out. it's not a method of recovery, just self expression. 

cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut. cut.

i've missed this

And I remember when I met him.. It was so clear that he was the only one for me. We both knew it right away. And as years went on things got more difficult, we were faced with more challenges. I begged him to stay, tried to remember what we had in the beginning.. He was charismatic, magnetic, electric and everybody knew it. When he walked in, every woman’s head turned, everyone stood up to talk to him. He was like this hybrid, this mix… Of a man who couldn’t contain himself. I always got this sense that he’d became torn between being a good person and missing out on all of the opportunities that life could offer a man as magnificent as him. And in that way, I understood him. I loved him, I loved him, I loved him, I loved him… And I still love him, I love him.

when i say i miss you, i don't mean physically, i mean it like i miss the old you

why doesn't anyone bring me soup, blankets and tissues and then snuggles with me when i'm ill?

i can never tell if you're really evil or just plain dumb

ALL I WANT IS A GRAND GESTURE. ok?

you're a liar a cheat spiteful exhausting an idiot difficult a man.

oh so you 'want something good in your life'? i thinks it's my cue to leave then.

can't you take some responsibility?

there is no I in US

I just want someone to pull me close to them and kiss me

i'd overlook anything for you

you seek acceptance everywhere you go, you leech confidence, you lie to make people like you, you hurt people just to get ahead, you thrive under other women's attention, you accept things you shouldn't just to feel secure, i just wish i couldn't see this side of you

if you had a week left to live what would you say to me?

you don't understand that this side of me you see is not one i show my friends, and now you've made you're decision, that part of me is no longer yours to see

talking to you without you being mine is my own personal way of self harm

you said this was for the best but i feelworse and i'm guessing you do too

you always listen but you never really hear me

did i say something way too honest that made you rin and hide, like a scared little boy?

i wish i could kiss you without feeling used

he wants to do all the things you didn't do for me

this hurts but you can't make it better in anyway.

I don't miss you. I miss us. I miss being your and only yours. I miss you being mine and only mine. I miss getting good morning and good night texts. I miss falling asleep with you. I miss all the kisses and sex. I miss being able to shut you up with kisses. I miss all the cute things you'd say that made me cringe but I secretly loved. I miss nights at the pub. I miss coming home with you. I miss the cinema with you. I miss feeling safe. I miss the head massages. I miss everything, but you and I most definitely don't want it back.

i want to be the girl who makes your bad days better, and the one that makes you say "my life has changed since i met her"

whatever happened to chivalry? does it only exist in 80’s movies? i want john cusack holding a boombox outside my window. i wanna ride off on a lawnmower with patrick dempsey. i want jake from sixteen candles waiting outside the church for me. i want judd nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. just once I want my life to be like an 80’s movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. but no, john hughes did not direct my life.

no matter for what reason, something is wrong with you if you cut yourself

my biggest fear, even above venerability, is abandonment.

happiness is only real when shared

"Some people feel like they don’t deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past"

it makes me sick to my stomach when i think about how easily you tricked me in thinking that you actually cared about me. what if everyone has been doing this to me this whole entire time to get things from me? because of you i'm now afraid to trust people

humans are so bitter and malicious i honestly don't live on this planet by choice

everytime my mum goes out i terrify myself with thoughs that she'll leave us and never come back

in art, as in love, instinct is enough

it's like forgetting the words to your favourite song, you can't believe it, you were always singing along, it was so easy and the words so sweet, you can't remember, you try to feel the beat

no one laughs at god in a hospital
no one laughs at god in a war
no one's laughing at god
when they're starving or freezing or so very poor
no one laughs at god
when the doctor calls after some routine tests
no one's laughing at god
when it's gotten real late
and their kid's not back from the party yet
no one laughs at god
when their airplane start to uncontrollably shake
no one's laughing at god
when they see the one they love, hand in hand with someone else
and they hope that they're mistaken
no one laughs at god
when the cops knock on their door
and they say we got some bad news, sir
no one's laughing at god
when there's a famine or fire or flood

i imagine you suprising me and turning up at my house everyday. never happens.

i really really dislike you

there's no such thing as fate, everything is a coincidence. life, the earth, relationships are all purely down to chance.

i honestly feel like i have no one to talk to, no one that will listen and give me advice without caring about their personal benefit

i'm happy and i love you but i know you're not and don't

you're a liar and i hate you

withholding the truth counts as lying

everyone's telling me to wait, but why? our time on this planet is limited, so why waste it, if we don't work at least we didn't waste time hoping to fix this when we can't. if we can't work now, will we ever? what's the point in wasting time over something that is meerly a possibility? just stay with me and see where things take us and we won't be wasting time as long as we're still happy

i love you and i love how easy it is to say that

"let him be the guy that every girl wants but you have." "but what if he's the guy that wants every girl and i'm stuck with?"

it's been a day and i already despise every decision you've made

when he puts you before computer games, lol jokes he's a manchild

i need to think about this

somewhere someone is looking for exactly what you have to offer

all i want is to snuggle with you right now

it's so nice to know real gentlemen do exsist, even if all they do is walk you home

all i  know is love never dies. true love never dies. it's always there lurking in the deepest crevises of the heart. resurfacing for air when you allow it.

loving someone means giving them chances when there are none left to give

i feel like your not telling me everything, if this situation was like you explained it then how could you even consider her? i can't trust you.

i don't think you realise, choose her and things will change, all the things you love will no longer be yours, they will be given to someone who would be more deserving; that smile you love, shower sex, pokemon together, head massages, morning bacon before work, pikachu, conversations about tesco stores, my dad, brother and my friends. she won't understand how you secretly like it when your called posh or a snob, she won't know exactly what you like in bed, she won't understand you can't sleep snuggling someone, she won't understand you past and family, she won't love you grandad as much as i do, she won't care or listen when you talk about economics and politics, she won't understand how much you value your job and education and she won't know you like i do. but if you want something that's easier at first, be my guest, but she'll be like a fish out of water

the more we talk the more i get angry you can even consider her

i want to feel like you want to be with me and it's not me forcing you and that you want me to trust you and it's not just me forcing myself to

everything just fits together when i'm with you, but without you there it all falls apart 

your single desicion has not just hurt me but anyone i'm close to

i deserve the grandest fucking gesture after what you put me through, think noah from the notebook crossed with edward from pretty woman

if we happen again, you need to change because i have had fucking enough of the shit you put me through, it may be my own fault that i don't trust you but you made me feel like this so you have to fix it before you think i'll come running

i know if we do start again i'll feel like i forced you into it and feel just as paranoid as i do now but right now, anything feels better than this; i feel so fucked around and all my friends are getting upset by seeing me like this

i know i'm not feeling what you are, but to me, your decision seems pretty simple

please don't get my hopes up

i can't carry on with this without a promise, how am i meant to move on if you choose her after all this?

oh life

i feel mentally relieved now

everyone's telling me what an asshole you are, but i really don't care

my brother's trying to set me up with his friends' brothers, cuuuuuute

i am honestly suprised with how well i cope with all the things in my past, but that's because i percieve them as my past, i've moved on, people change and i've learned to forgive. but still, i no longer find it hard to be touched or trust anyone, which after everything, i think is my biggest achievement

how can i believe anything you say when i doubt that you ever loved me?

i believe men are more romantic than women. most women will marry a man because he has a good job/ house ect. but men will marry because they believe they'd be stupid to let the love of their life go. men will stay unmarried forever if they do not believe thay have found their soul mate, women will reach an age and feel a desperation to get married. there are however like with everything in life, exceptions..

why do women always go for pricks? because we like to fix things, we choose the broken men as we try to fix them to make us feel special and different to all the other women. but we all need to realise, men are impossible to change and we're simply hurting ourselves by seeing all the stupid wankers and not waiting for the normal, secure men to find us.

i tried so hard to have a healthy relationship for phillip to look up to, but i don't even think that's possible anymore

it's not possible for me to move on this quick, is it?

you look like a trout lol

i hate you so much i can't even put it into words you pathetic cunt

watching matt and charlie argue is like watching a puppy being shot

but you don't interest me anymore

i considered suicide every minute the day i lost you

overthinking will be the death of me

"smokers die younger" promise?

100th post so something sentimental: I LOVE ELLIS JOHNSON, HE'S A BITCH BUT HE'S MY BITCH. HE'S THE BEST FRIEND I COULD ASK FOR. HE'S SO CUTE EVEN THOUGH HE IS THE BIGGEST AND WORST FLIRT IN EXSISTENCE. WE PLAY POKEMON TOGETHER AND TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D DO WITHOUT HIM. AND I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE TEXT HE SENDS ME AFTER HE'S READ THIS !

everyday is spent counting down for something, then it happens and we find something else to countdown to. life is always spent looking forward, can't we just enjoy now?

i don't feel like i can talk about the future untill we sort ourselves out

if you want to keep your girl you've got to reasure her. don't let her forget or question that you love her. tell her everyday how much she means to you, and that there is no one that could ever take her place. because girls get jealous and they second guess every move you make. they think too much, and over think into things more than they should. but they can't help it. it's their nature, and it's your responsibility to prove your love to her. there are plenty of other beautiful girls out there, and she knows that. make her believe that she's the only one for you.

because you never did with me.

despite how much i hate your personality, i still love you

deleting all the couples pictures off my tumblr because i'm forever alone

doesn't the fact that no one has realised how deeply corupt i am show no one actually cares?

i hate you, but i love you too much to do anything about it.

you fuck up every good mood i have.

one day, when i'm not terrified of losing you, i will take karma into my own hands and emoitionally destroy you, like your doing to me. i relish the thought of you not being able to abuse this hold you have over me and being able to tell you what a disgusting breed of human you are.

i love my bestfriend(s) ;)

everyone tells me your a cunt. but i can't help myself. you used to be the person i'd think about after watching romance films and say to myself "he's better than all that". or listen to love songs and realise what they're singing about is true. and if by still loving you that makes me a cunt too, then i don't care.

do you just want me to cut my heart out so you can torture is more easily?

You're being so selfish, i have no idea where i stand and it's not just hurting me it's killing me, do i not have a right to know?

i know i get jealous easy but if you had even loved me you wouldn't have done anything to make me think like that.

ow, i should go have a shower..

Chilling in your underwear if perfection. even if it's a thong, idek.

I need to get really really drunk, really really soon.

"The reason I do not belive in love is because I think it would be a very cruel thing to exist. Yes, i have never been in love but i have had my heart crushed a few times and that was almost unbearable and i would not wish it on anybody. So how much must it hurt to be in love and have you heart broken I wonder? It must be unbearable." how i wish i could warn my past self.

Well you've done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
and now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
Nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some
I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours
Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing, we're just one big family
It's our God-forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved
So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours
Do you want to, come on, scootch over closer dear
And I will nibble your ear
I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and I laughed
I guess what I'll be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue
But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours
Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
so please don't, please don't, please don't.
There's no need to complicate
'cause our time is short
This oh, this oh, this is our fate, I'm yours

Because when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven.

Tu me manques de plus en plus chaque jour et il fait tellement mal, mais je ne peux pas vous dire.

I'm never hungry any more..

I don't want to do anything this weekend, i just want to stay in bed and cry.

When will this crying stop?

Fancy dress = an excuse to pretend for an evening.

I feel happy about 90% of the time. But 10% I feel terrible, nothing anyone can do or say will make me feel happy, I cry unexplainably, I feel as if death is a reasonable escape from the chaotic, fucked up universe we seem to half exsist in. It feel like i donb't live, just survive. I feel I'm a faint outline of a person who persists through life without a meaning or purpose.

That 10% of me needs help but the 90% won't let it, it will constrict the unhappiness untill it's too strong. Then it will raise it's ugy had and destroy me.

Fuck, I need a therapist.

Can anyone ever just be happy?

Someone will always have a reason the be depressed, don't judge them.